Growing up, I had a small family. It was me, my mom, and my dad. My dad had two older siblings, but they were much older and I don't remember much of them. My mom was the 3rd of 7 children, but it was a very disfunctional family and they all fought and never saw each other, so I don't have memories of them either. Two of my grandparents I never met. One died when I was 4 and the other died when I was 8. She is the only one that I have any kind of memories. That being said, beside always wishing that I had a brother or sister, I was content with our small family. Holidays and celebrations were just us and a few friends. It was all I knew.
Lately, I've been contemplating family. This is due to the passing of my dad just three months ago. It's been six years since my mom died. I realized that I'm alone in this world. Not completely alone of course. I have my husband and my two small children and they mean the world to me. But the extended family, people who love you no matter what, people who root for you, people who take your side, they're all gone. In essence, at 40 years old, I'm an orphan. I have no siblings, no aunts, no uncles, no cousins, no grandparents.
I've always desired friends, but never really had the close relationships that you see at the movies. I yearned for that kind of friendship one day. It wasn't until I moved to Idaho that I found a group of ladies, other moms, who became my friends. Not just acquaintances or someone I might hang out with from time to time, but real, true, close friends. One girl in particular became my "very best friend". She and I were pregnant with our second children at the same time and we formed a bond like I've never had in my life before. It was intense, especially to me who had never had that kind of relationship before. That summer of being pregnant together was the best I've had in my entire life. Never before have I had someone that I could completely confide in, feel comfortable with, laugh with, cry with, and just BE with.
Things started unraveling a year ago however. She is not from here. She is from a warm climate and she hates it here, hates the cold. I get that. But when she was in California and she stated on Facebook that she was "dreading coming back to Idaho and being cold" I lost it. I've never cried so much in all my life. Here was this woman that I loved with all my heart and all my soul. She had been "home" for several weeks and I was counting down the days until I saw her again. I couldn't wait. And then she wrote that. It devastated me. Not that I don't understand that she hates the cold, but that it means more to her than I do. I asked her if she really meant that she didn't want to come back and her reply, "Hell NO, I don't want to come back!" Now we've come full circle, it's winter again, and the comments keep coming about the weather and the cold and how she can't wait to get out of here and get to a warmer climate. It hurts to know that my friendship has been downgraded because of weather.
I took a long, hard look at our friendship and the realization that I've come to is very simple actually. I love her more than she will ever love me. Maybe it's because I've never had that kind of relationship with anyone before and it was almost like a "new love" type of thing. Maybe it is because I have so few people in my life that I want to hang on tight to the ones that I DO have. She talks about her family back "home" and I realize that I will never, ever, ever even come close to that status.
I always thought, in my naive way, that friends, if you found a close one, could become like family. Of course you should never have to choose between friends and family, but I always thought that a friend could be INCLUDED in that. But now I'm beginning to wonder. I guess I realize that blood IS thicker than water and no matter how much you try, as a friend, you can never be loved more than blood. At least in my instance that's true. My kids call her "auntie" and I realized just the other night that her kids don't call me that. Why is that? The only answer is the conclusion that I came to above....I love her more than she loves me. And if that's true, and I believe it is, then our friendship has been somewhat of a lie. It's been false because I truly thought I was her best friend too.
So where does that leave me? Alone. But it's okay because I'm not completely alone. I have two beautiful, wonderful, albeit wild children whom I love more than life itself. I have a husband who although may not be as affectionate or emotional as I'd like, loves me and supports me. We're not perfect, but we're a family, a little family of four. If I could be happy with a family of three growing up, my kids certainly can be happy with a family of four. And I can be happy too.
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